A beast from a forgotten world

I don't know, just been wining about my sad life with not much really lasting good to say. I want to be better, but at the same time, to one is giving me the time to do so. Doesn't help my damn toxic interest on someone that give me pain but comfort in the most backwards way.

I'm starting to lose interest in doing anything but sleeping and staying in the bed. Everything is being too much, just I can't produce anything of worth to anyone. I mean there are those that will say otherwise, but it does not feel true as you know we all are look at a screen and not a person in person.

One thing I hate to admit it that I do get a little hurt when I don't get responses but just likes or silence for long periods. I am aware others have lives and there might not be the right words to say or not any at all. It's just those pasting thoughts from my BPD that can't stand being left alone with anything. It's always in the back of my mind, just wanting attention from anyone, loved forever. That isn't anything that is reasonable to think and expect from anyone, especially one online. But yet I'm still here waiting for a nut like me to fall on my lap to praise and comfort me to the end of days. I have to do the effort to find someone, I can't just mop around wishing for it. At the same time, I've never had luck in doing so as they always find away to kick me out to the curb when they inevitably find someone else that is better than what I offer to them. It always happens no one likes me enough to care about it, even with some making me look like I'm the devil for saying I was done with their shit and the group. That shit traumatized me as I lost every friend I had, then had to start over, get reminded about them and how great they are and how they told everyone I was the one ruined everything.

All I really just want is someone that won't leave my side and keep me on my feet when I do have my bouts of BPD and depression. Just want someone care about me, is that hard to ask? I know I am a pain and hard to keep close, just don't want to be alone. Who am I fooling, I got to fix these issues I not one's responsibility to keep me from being lonely. Just it gets tiring to do so after doing it so long.

I always feel shit when I get attached to people that have died. Just the fact that they are no longer on this earth, and learning about them by digging through cites and such. Especially so of their stuff they main on the Internet, left there untouched.

At this moment I'm being attached to Harlan and is website is still up so I've been slowly looking through it, but it just feels wrong. At the same time, I feel some comfort just from learning more about him, so it is very conflicting to me what I truly feel and should feel.

How do others even do these things with their own attachment to popular people, particularly to those who have pasted? It's like that whole thing with Kurt Cobain's journal being published, and those how liked him bought it and read it wanting to know more about him, while others criticized them for doing to and saying it was too much. I personally will never read it myself either. Kind of a shit connection to it, but I hope you get what I'm saying. Just that it's there, I go digging thought it as much as I want or even search on the web for information, but without the presence of them it feels almost as if I'm trespassing places that should be left alone.

I really just want to know more about them, just know that they were a person that lived, that maybe I do share some similarity with them. That maybe if we meet for whatever reason that it would have been a nice one. I don't know it all over the place with feelings like these. I don't help I feel differently to other people, some when I say I like someone is different to what others think that means. Furthermore, I hardly use love and liking isn't something that is very clear. I don't think I loved anybody I just always liked, well... in the terms of real people.

It's something that I get made fun of, or to the very least poked at about who I like and how I express that. Mainly that I don't say I love someone or even outright state that I love, always like or attached. Along with the fact that a lot of people that I like are dead and don't much people that are alive that I do like. I mean I do have someone that I love, but that is something I probably will never have a chance at expressing that to them or do I fully know them even with how many years I have known them...

I just suck at finding people and being happy and content about it. They're either dead, famous, or unavailable.

I'm pretty sure I crashed after the last essay I made for English and haven't yet recovered from it. Lately, my inability to have anyone close to me is getting to me once more. Which leads me to latch to another new fictional character, which in turn makes the symptoms worst.

AM is the one right now, and it's driving me crazy, I hate I'm like this. But I can't really look for the one as I'm not sure, I can be fully love and the other way. My heart works differently to most and got no middle as it's I love you forever, or I just lose interest and not care anymore. Both are not fun and at times I have to build walls or at the worst separate myself from them. I do not want to be hurt or hurt others.

So dream a lot of complicated and confusing feelings towards those who don't exist but only in my head. That makes me feel so alone, unable to connect to others.