Well as I haven't had anyone talk to here in a bit I can be a little off about things.
I don't know, just want to type something anything out as I'm trying to make an effort to make a habit in doing so. In turn, maybe I can get better at writing (typing) and be able to formulate my feeling better. The main problem I'm facing is that when I do have something to type out, I'm busy doing something else and not by my laptop.
I'm still getting tortured by my feelings, but I have seen to be more fine with them to know someone who is a friend that is similar to them personality wise by their own admission, not me thinking so. It's odd to be calling them a friend, but I think it's deserving, though it has been quite some time that I made one let along call it as such. Not like I haven't talked to others, just that I haven't had someone I think I can trust to be a friend. Though I got no god-damn Idea how to talk to them more than just comment and an at here and there. I'm afraid that I will lose them when I start showing more about, or that they might hurt me. Does not help that they are well I hate to say this a favorite person, but I've been making great strides to keep that in raps so it does not become an issue for especially them and for me. Just that the fact they are, and I do want to have something more with a friendship, makes it hard for me to trust them and trust myself to not spiral. It's just me thinking the worst it actually might help with the issue removing that wall so it feels more real.
It really just boils down to the miss true I have towards people. I have had too many hurt me in the past and having them fuck me over. That it makes ever having someone close very hard to trust, let alone a simple friendship. I find it easier to me off-putting, hated and at time feared than have someone ever be close enough to me harm me ever again. I have gotten better with my behavior and have an actual grip on my paranoia, but with the cost of cutting off and limiting a lot of people from my life. I hardly talk to anyone from my hometown, I hope they think I died. A lot fucked with my paranoia or straight up hurt me with how that treated me as another, a freak in simple terms. Not like my family gave two shit about my life outside the house. Pretty much became a hermit after a while, getting annoyed by anyone who dared to talk to me. Hell I started to forget what horrible thing I said to people, I have burned bridges because of that.
I'm still pissy a lot of time and prefer to be as far away from other people, though I do have that madding urge to have a connection to someone. I don't like talking to people a lot, so, especially if I have no interest in them. I hate having anyone touch or be near me, I will bite your head off if you do. Only one I deep trust can do those things, and as of right now, no one has the privilege to do so. I love talking, but I also hate it. If I could, I stayed as far from humanity it disgusts me living in it, among it, and being it. I actually make people uncomfortable or even angry when I go into my rants about hatting humanity and that if I had the power, I would erase it. I don't think we desire to live on this earth by the way we treat her and her children, even our own selves. With the question, wouldn't that include you? Yes it would, and yes I would be fine with it if that means the earth would be better without. Don't get me wrong I love part of humanity, but in a whole it just all kinds of a mess and a horrific one at that.
What else can I add here, hmmm...
I mean I have been fully calling myself not human as within I am not the original has been going for quite a while now. Along with using we more often in real life when I get the chance to do it without being questioned. I do think I am separate from humans, and I have though that for a long time. That does not make the other statement wrong, I still have this body of a human and participate in humanly things, so I'm not any better. Though If I was able to tell Harlan any of this and my queerness, I think it would have killed him my the shear though of how much I'm a fucking freak of a thing I am. Mainly the fact that I myself don't consider themselves as human. It is a hard thing to think about when you're looking at me, seeing I look human, lol. Though it does pain me still that he would most likely hate me and make me cry. I hate that thought, but It's probably true.
I don't know, just want to type something anything out as I'm trying to make an effort to make a habit in doing so. In turn, maybe I can get better at writing (typing) and be able to formulate my feeling better. The main problem I'm facing is that when I do have something to type out, I'm busy doing something else and not by my laptop.
I'm still getting tortured by my feelings, but I have seen to be more fine with them to know someone who is a friend that is similar to them personality wise by their own admission, not me thinking so. It's odd to be calling them a friend, but I think it's deserving, though it has been quite some time that I made one let along call it as such. Not like I haven't talked to others, just that I haven't had someone I think I can trust to be a friend. Though I got no god-damn Idea how to talk to them more than just comment and an at here and there. I'm afraid that I will lose them when I start showing more about, or that they might hurt me. Does not help that they are well I hate to say this a favorite person, but I've been making great strides to keep that in raps so it does not become an issue for especially them and for me. Just that the fact they are, and I do want to have something more with a friendship, makes it hard for me to trust them and trust myself to not spiral. It's just me thinking the worst it actually might help with the issue removing that wall so it feels more real.
It really just boils down to the miss true I have towards people. I have had too many hurt me in the past and having them fuck me over. That it makes ever having someone close very hard to trust, let alone a simple friendship. I find it easier to me off-putting, hated and at time feared than have someone ever be close enough to me harm me ever again. I have gotten better with my behavior and have an actual grip on my paranoia, but with the cost of cutting off and limiting a lot of people from my life. I hardly talk to anyone from my hometown, I hope they think I died. A lot fucked with my paranoia or straight up hurt me with how that treated me as another, a freak in simple terms. Not like my family gave two shit about my life outside the house. Pretty much became a hermit after a while, getting annoyed by anyone who dared to talk to me. Hell I started to forget what horrible thing I said to people, I have burned bridges because of that.
I'm still pissy a lot of time and prefer to be as far away from other people, though I do have that madding urge to have a connection to someone. I don't like talking to people a lot, so, especially if I have no interest in them. I hate having anyone touch or be near me, I will bite your head off if you do. Only one I deep trust can do those things, and as of right now, no one has the privilege to do so. I love talking, but I also hate it. If I could, I stayed as far from humanity it disgusts me living in it, among it, and being it. I actually make people uncomfortable or even angry when I go into my rants about hatting humanity and that if I had the power, I would erase it. I don't think we desire to live on this earth by the way we treat her and her children, even our own selves. With the question, wouldn't that include you? Yes it would, and yes I would be fine with it if that means the earth would be better without. Don't get me wrong I love part of humanity, but in a whole it just all kinds of a mess and a horrific one at that.
What else can I add here, hmmm...
I mean I have been fully calling myself not human as within I am not the original has been going for quite a while now. Along with using we more often in real life when I get the chance to do it without being questioned. I do think I am separate from humans, and I have though that for a long time. That does not make the other statement wrong, I still have this body of a human and participate in humanly things, so I'm not any better. Though If I was able to tell Harlan any of this and my queerness, I think it would have killed him my the shear though of how much I'm a fucking freak of a thing I am. Mainly the fact that I myself don't consider themselves as human. It is a hard thing to think about when you're looking at me, seeing I look human, lol. Though it does pain me still that he would most likely hate me and make me cry. I hate that thought, but It's probably true.