A beast from a forgotten world

I can't talk to them, I can't ask questions about their life and what they have done. They're dead, their story, ended before I knew they existed. I would be able to talk to them even if they were alive, but you get the point. I just can't one day search them up and see what new thing they have been doing or see their reaction of life now.

Makes me feel like I was born in the wrong era, but I know in reality I wouldn't fit in back then either. I simply was not made to live with the herd, as I was always the outcast from the beginning of time.

It really does get to me sometimes. Wanting to know more, but there isn't anymore to gain from the source, as the source is long gone. I just have questions I want answers for with some of them just to know them more personally, but I will never get that closer.

#why am I like this #can I not like only living young people near my age #I mean there's one but still a few years older than me but I just can't the way I am... It won't work. #maybe one day I find someone I can ask endless questions to #to simply understand #sigh... #mars.txt

I finally figured out what I felt towards Harlan. It's not a real surprise, just something that is hard for me to realize a lot of the time. A great sin of mine. I just want to be in his skin, be him, someone. It isn't the first person I felt it with, but few I want to be in their skin.

A big thing I lack is a self, an anchor point that I am a "am." Never had one, something I took from others to act as if I had one, but I'm bad at that. All that self-loathing drive a man crazy with feeling of wanting them or being them. Love, hate, pain, always and forever.

It sometimes blurs where I don't know where they end, and I begin. The monstrous hungry to rip someone apart for just wanting to be them to intertwine with them. It would be brief, but it would be true love, though there will be nothing left of them.

#... #I really don't know what is wrong with me #what I feel isn't normal #destructive even #but beautiful in a way like blood on white #I should be feeling horrible for these thoughts but I don't not fully at least #just something of a true expression of love really don't you think #I think I lost it truly #sigh... #mars.txt